Wednesday just went all downhill. I don't know why. I couldn't focus. I felt like crap. Typically if I don't post a blog, it's because I had a crap day the day before and I'm busy trying to figure out why. After over-thinking, crying, praying and over-thinking some more, here is what I've come up with.
I AM OFFICIALLY GOING STIR CRAZY!!!!!
I am spending a LOT of time at home, and I am not liking it. I work three (very part time) part time jobs. I work Monday through Thursday for a few hours each day. I love all the jobs, and it's just enough to keep my day busy with the other usual house stuff, blogging, bills, taking care of the dogs, exercising, making dinner, and just being a busy body. I like my schedule. Friday is my WW meeting and errand running day and maybe (most likely) Happy Hour in the evening. Saturday and Sunday are typical weekends like most families with time with Mike, socializing with friends and coffee with mom or dad. Yes, I do realize that I am blessed.
I really did not know what to expect following surgery, as far as my every day life goes, or as far as a lot of things go, for that matter. I knew I would probably have to take 8 weeks off from work. I hadn't prepared for my day to day activities, or lack thereof.
I expected to be in some significant pain the two weeks following surgery. I expected PT to be painful. What I did not expect, and I am certain that no one could have prepared me for this, was to have so many sleepless nights, know how to handle my irritability, not have the desire to do much due to the constant feeling of being hit by a truck, 24/7 discomfort, and just an overall feeling of being overwhelmed by the slow healing process. I guess I thought I would feel pretty normal two to three weeks after surgery, and Physical Therapy would be painful while doing it, then I would go on about my day. Not so. Since last Thursday, here is my schedule. Three to Four times a day, stretch, PT, stretch some more, then ice it down. Somewhere in between the three to four times a day of that, try to be comfortable to do other crap.
Wednesday, I realized I had forgotten to weigh at home on Monday, so I stepped on the scale. 170. I weighed 168 at my WW meeting on Friday. I felt so frustrated and defeated. I lost it. I am having a hard time this past week mustering up the energy to feel real upbeat. I think I just feel exhausted from lack of sleep. I wouldn't say I was depressed yesterday, but I will say I had a depressing day. A lot of it I know, is simply that I just don't have anything to do, and frankly, I don't feel good, so I don't feel like doing much. I have a few projects that I would like to do, but without full use of my right hand, I would just find myself frustrated. I have been working hard at the treadmill, and it felt good to add in some small strength training, but how many days can you sit at home and simply not LOSE IT??? Apparently for me? Not very many. I realize I can leave the house at any time, but honestly, getting ready just adds to the discomfort. I really sound pathetic, I know. I just wasn't completely prepared for these weeks following surgery. Oh, and the weather is NOT helping things.
While I thought Easter Buckets for the grandkids was a great way to lift my spirits, I ate all the jelly beans. Then I went to Walmart to buy more. I actually bought jelly beans because I knew I wouldn't eat them because I DON'T LIKE JELLY BEANS!!!! I like chocolate eggs. But I didn't buy any of those because I didn't want to be tempted to eat any of the Easter Candy. And then I ate all the damn jelly beans.
I realized Sunday and Wednesday were total crap days, mostly because I had absolutely nothing planned, and I was extremely sore from hitting PT so hard. I'm not saying I am some kind of amazing PT over achiever, I simply did what I was supposed to do, but I was dying. So dealing with boredom, feeling a bit useless, and the pain, I turned to the pantry and the fridge (and my grandchildren's Easter Buckets!) I thought about getting drunk, but I didn't want to add hangover to my other issues. Kidding.
So now I need a plan. I did confess to my coach that I had a bad day. She sends me a text when I don't blog. She knew something was up. Smart one, she is. She is calling tonight to talk me through my "Whoas me moment".
I have mentioned my love of a "list", so after much over-thinking, I think each day I need to make a list of what I plan on accomplishing for the day, even if it is as simple as.....PT exercises, walk dogs, blog, cook dinner.......at least to see that I am DOING something. I made a "to do list" for today and had a much better day, even after a rough PT session at noon. She worked me over good, but also said I had made great progress in one week. I go back tomorrow too.
It seems rather pointless to post my food blog from Tuesday, even though that day was a great one. I didn't track my food after about 3:00 yesterday afternoon, so I don't even have that one to post.
I think when I get to goal, (this August) I will write a book. The first 19 chapters can be all about "What Not To Do To Lose Weight" then the 20th, and final chapter can be about actually losing weight.
Maybe I call it........
........."Nineteen Chapters of Screw Ups"
Then I can write a book about how to keep it off and live a healthy and happy life. I'll have to think about that title.
"Love the life you live, live the life you love"