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Thursday, August 1, 2013

Dear God, What Did I Do To Deserve This?

It's a deep blog post.....even more personal than I usually write and a bit out of character for most of my blog post. But, it is me, and these are my thoughts.

It's been a crazy last few days inside my head with so many great things happening in my Blogging World and with Weight Watchers. It's always crazy in my head, but unusually so these last few days. My thoughts are just ALL over the place. Sometimes my thoughts exhaust me, and I think that's why I blog, or journal, or write it all down. If I didn't write it down, it would never escape my head, and trust me, sometimes I need to let a lot of my thinking escape from my head. When I hit "submit", it's then, that I can breathe again.

This blog post will be a bit all over the place today, but a lot has really happened in these last several days (and JUST yesterday!) and I am filled with emotions and anxiousness and I keep going over and over in my head.....where my life has been, and where it might be going. Unfortunately, this anxiety brings me food cravings, and while I seem to be able to keep within my points, my choices are not the most nutritious. I had an Ice Cream Sandwich and coffee for breakfast.

Today's crazy, all over, anxiety driven thoughts......are oddly spiritual.

I feel like I live a privileged life and things lately are all going really well. I have more than I ever dreamed that I would have, and I am not talking monetarily (although being able to pay your bills on time doesn't suck!!). I am talking about having a husband that loves me, children and grandchildren that are healthy, a great variety of friends that I know that I can turn to, and opportunities galore! When I am actually paying attention to the opportunities that present themselves, it can be a pretty awesome thing.

My early 20's were a complete mess, and seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, wasn't even imaginable. Every journal I wrote for a four year period, I have now ceremoniously burned. In that time of my life, I never asked God why the things that were happening in my life were happening. I just asked Him for the strength I needed to get through the things that were happening, and the wisdom to figure out how to do so. God, very specifically, answered my prayers, and I listened. I think that's when I first realized how strong my faith in Him really was.

I don't mean for this to be a religious, "Come to Jesus", faith based blog post by any means. I really don't even mean to talk about God. My faith is very private to me and I don't talk about it often. I mention that I pray, and that's about it. I actually pray a lot. That being said, I have a foul mouth, I enjoy my adult beverages, and I spend a lot of Sunday mornings sleeping in, so obviously, I'm not super religious or anything. I make mistakes all the time, I know I lack in patience, and I can be a terrible listener (I think that's un-diagnosed A.D.D., or self-diagnosed, in which case it actually is a diagnosis, but not a doctor's diagnosis. Wait. Where was I?) so I am constantly a work in progress. I think most of us would admit that we all are.


Incredible blessings have occurred in my life since that time long ago in my early 20's, and I can't help but think that my faith in God and my listening to Him made so many of my blessings possible. the present day.

These are the the thoughts (and I think the blessings) that are literally exploding in my brain today!!

Thought Number One!

I have really enjoyed this silly little blog ("opportunity" to annoy you all with my crazy thoughts) way more than I ever imagined and I am super excited about now having a computer, and soon being able to go back to posting recipes (including Point Plus Values) to the blog on a regular basis. My Goal is to be doing this by the end of August!

Thought Number Two!!

I plan to completely take advantage of the computer classes ("opportunity") offered at the Apple store until I know all of the staff and could teach the class myself!! They may want to kick me out!

Thought Number Three!!!

I, literally by chance, found out about a blogging conference in Kansas City this weekend and I can hardly wait to walk in the door ("opportunity") and ask a Gazillion Questions!!! The timing for this is perfect!!

Thought Number Four!!!!

I have thought about the day that I weighed less than 160 pounds and could apply for a job with Weight Watchers for over three years. Even if the job doesn't happen, and I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope that it does, being able to apply ("opportunity") was huge, and I can't believe that it happened and that I have a phone interview on Monday!!

Thought Number Five!!!!!

This is the thought that led me to write this blog post today. It seems as though everyday that I spend out and about running errands, I see more and more homeless people on street corners all over town with signs begging for money or food or work. (I know.....where am I going with THIS?) I NEVER know how to handle this situation. I always think I should go buy them food and bring it back to them, but then I don't. On Friday, while sitting at a coffee shop, a woman asked me for $2. I didn't have any cash, and that's what I told her (as I sat there with my iPhone, my iPad and my Fourbuck's, wondering if she believed me). She asked several people the same question, and nobody seemed to giver her any money. She took a seat and waited for new customers to come in, then she would ask them. I pondered offering to buy her something, but she was drinking a bottle of Coke, so I felt like cash was what she was wanting. I felt bad for her, but had no idea what I could do. So, I said a prayer for her. A rather generic prayer that God would give her whatever it was that she was needing at the time.

Thursday, while sitting in my car eating my Salad Bar lunch, I noticed a woman walking through the parking lot looking anxious and upset. I was sitting in my car with my windows down. She looked at me, walked by, then went up to two men that were walking into the grocery store. She was carrying two packages of diapers and wearing a backpack. I assume she was asking for money, but I don't know. Again. What can I do? So I said a prayer for her.

At the exit of the very same parking lot was what appeared to be a family. A man, a pregnant woman and a small child. The woman and the child were sitting under a tree close to the curb, and the man was standing on the curb, holding a cardboard sign. I could not read the sign. After watching them for a short time, I did see two separate cars stop and they appeared to be giving them money. I didn't have any cash, and again found myself thinking.......what am I supposed to do? I should do something. I decided I would go back into the store and buy them apples, protein bars and bottled water. I don't really know why I chose those items. I was thinking non-perishable and nutritious I suppose. As I sat in my car and made up my mind to go back into the store, the woman and the child stood up, and walked with the man to their Mini Van, and drove away. So, I prayed for them.

Then that's when all the thoughts upstairs started. Thoughts about the past and thoughts about today, and the future.

How fortunate (blessed) am I that my life was such a mess, and I had the opportunity to go to school and turn my life around so many years ago?

How fortunate (blessed) am I that I met someone to love me for the person that I am?

How fortunate (blessed) am I that I can say, I think I wanna write a blog and tell my story, and then I have the platform to do just that!

How fortunate (blessed) am I that I can say.......I'd like to be able to apply for a job with Weight Watchers and work towards something I truly feel passionate about??? And then I apply!

I'm just going crazy thinking about how great things are right now all because of opportunities.

There was a time, I could have been on the street corner. I have lots of family and friends, so I'd like to think that it never would have come to that, but who knows how that ends up happening. I always wish I knew their story when I see someone on a street corner. Do they not have family and friends? Should I give them a couple of bucks? Should I go get them food?

How fortunate (blessed) am I to have family and friends. How fortunate am I to be born in America? Seriously.......all of those thoughts led to me thinking about how I could have been born anywhere, but I was blessed to be born in America, a country where I have the opportunity to do as I please. And I've actually thought about that whole being born in America thing a lot. How'd I get so lucky?

I then said a prayer of thanks for my many blessings. I try to let God know that I AM aware that I have a blessed life.

And that is when I said to Him.......

"Dear God, What did I Do To Deserve This?"


In other Thursday news.....I got a filling at the dentist. I'd rather have staples put in my head. My dentist knows this, so he was VERY generous as he placed the ridiculous gas mask over my face and asked me to breath deeply in through my nose and out through my mouth. Then he gave me a shot, which I did not feel. Before he started drilling, (and actually that sound is the WORST part and causes me great anxiety, fearing he is going to hit a nerve), he said to keep breathing in deep through my nose and exhaling out of my mouth. I kept breathing in the gas like a mad woman! When he said...."Just a few more deep breaths, then we're ready", it was like the last call of Happy Hour and I couldn't breath fast enough!!!! It was all over in like 15 minutes and I felt absolutely nothing!! I spent more time than that telling him how freaked out I was. I've gone to him for over 15 years, so my anxiety was no surprise. What a WUSS!!!!!!

In OTHER other Thursday news.......I returned a bra that I purchased at Nordstrom over a year ago. They were having a bra sale and I was able to get TWO really nice bra's in exchange for the bra I bought last year!!!! HOLLA!!! God Bless Nordstrom!!!! Too much blessing?!?!

With all of the good news in the last two weeks, I am anticipating the next two weeks to be filled with things like a flat tire on the highway, the A/C going out, me getting stung by a wasp........stuff like that.

Here's the "Not So Great " food choices I made while feeling ridiculously anxious.


Unpictured Coffee and an Ice Cream Sandwich. For Real.




Then topped with chicken......

Snack (anxiety cravings!!!)

Dinner (I wasn't hungry, but wanted something sweet. Urg.)

Refresh...I can eat 26 points a day.
I can earn Activity Points by doing exercise, and eat them if I choose.
I have an allowance of 49 points that I can dip into if I chose.
I should drink a minimum of 6 (8 oz) glasses of water each day.

The food I ate and it's PPV

Breakfast = Coffee with Milk, Ice Cream Sandwich (5) LOSER!!
Snack = QTrip Coffee, QTrip Banana! (3)
Snack = Greek Yogurt (4)
Lunch = Whole Foods Salad Bar (9)
Snack = Starbucks Nonfat Latte (3)
Dinner = Whey Protein Shake with Frozen Strawberries (3)

Total = 27

Today's Exercise = Walked 4.5 Miles

How many glasses of water I drank today = 8
Activity Points Earned Today = 14
Activity Points Earned This Week = 19
Remaining points from my 49 Points Allowance = 14
ALCOHOL consumption = none

"love the life you live, live the life you love"

1 comment:

  1. I love the way you write and I relate so much to everything you said today especially. Thank you for putting it into words. It's nice to know other people have the same feelings and doubts.