On Wednesday last week, I went to Trader Joes. While at the checkout, the clerk asked he how my day was.
He said...."Oh, I'm sorry."
I said..."It's okay. Yesterday really sucked, so it's an improvement."
We both smiled. On the way to my car, I hear footsteps behind me in the parking lot. It's the clerk! The dude brought me flowers!!!! How sweet was that??
There still just as pretty, sitting in my kitchen....
In a nutshell, life got crazy for a few days and I felt completely out of control. Sometimes I get into a routine that I am really comfortable with and things are all going as planned and going MY way.....then something in life happens that I'm not expecting, and I kinda go crazy. That's what happened.
Over three years ago, I ended up in the ER, via ambulance, because Mike and I thought I was having a heart attack. Turns out, it was a panic attack due to anxiety. Since then, I have made a lot of changes in my personal life and how I deal with certain situations. I try to be aware of when I am beginning to feel overwhelmed and I make the changes needed to deal with things. Last week, I began to get that heavy and tight feeling in my chest and I knew I needed to take a break from anything that I could.
Nothing serious or major, nothing bad, nobody is sick, and no life altering events took place. I simply had some goals to reach by the end of August regarding my weight, my NEW blog, my daily schedule and applying for Weight Watchers. Things were really moving along nicely just TWO weeks ago, then a few things changed in my daily routine, my time was required elsewhere, my routine got all outta whack, I started feeling anxious, I used food to deal with it, then I convinced myself that wine would relax me, then I just got pissed. Pissed at life not allowing me to do exactly what I needed to do when I needed to do it, pissed at myself for using food and wine to deal with stress, pissed because my behavior allowed the scale to creep back up, then I began to feel the stress in my chest. That's when I knew I needed to take a few days away and figure it all out.
So that's what I did.
I met with my coach Wednesday night, and she always seems to get me back on track. We made a plan for me to move forward and I felt really good about it. We changed my goal date to September 13th, adding a couple of extra weeks to get to my goal weight, and as much as I hated to admit failure, I agreed that seemed reasonable. She also helped me realize that I should limit my time dedicated each day to getting my "New Blog" up and running. I agreed.
(A side-note about the "New" blog. I am learning a lot about websites and a whole lot of website jargon that is WAY over my head. When I found out about the KC Blogging conference, I was ecstatic to be able to go and learn a lot of info about the blogging world that I was oblivious too! Then when I wasn't able to go, I decided to move forward anyhow and learn all that I could on my own. I have also discovered, that basically I am learning how to build a website, and when your clueless about websites and computer jargon, there's a LOT of frustrating hours ahead!! Sometimes I am finding myself re-reading and re-reading just to comprehend. Now that I am only dedicating a certain amount of time each day to this process, I should be a little less wigged out!)
I woke up Thursday to more rain, which did NOT help my mood at all, but I felt determined to make it a great day. Well, I walked that day, but my speed was ridiculously slow and my mood seemed to match that slow pace for the rest of the day. I did get together with a group of High school girl friends that night and I passed on the wine. I hate that I allowed myself to drink during the 12 weeks that I said that I wouldn't, so I AM back on the "No Drinking" band wagon. I did have a great time with my girl friends, so I tried to focus on the fact that something great did happen that day.
Friday morning, I had my day all planned out. I went to my Weight Watchers meeting, but then when I got there, I didn't weigh in. I had gotten to 156.6, and that had felt so great. At home, the scale had said 157 consecutively for several days, and I was actually very pleased with that. I think I was still in shock that I weighed less than 160! I didn't want to get on the scale at my Weight Watchers meeting and deal with a gain, and knowing that my bad days were past me, it seemed okay to skip a weigh in and focus on the week to come. Well, Friday was just as frustrating as Thursday as far as my mood went. The gloomy weather really seemed to be getting to me too! I had things I wanted to accomplish with my New blog on Friday, and I wasn't able to figure things out, and I was beginning to feel extremely frustrated ALL over again. Mike and I spent the evening (with me in my PJ's) on the couch, flipping back and forth between the Royals and the Chiefs. It was a relaxing night at home and Mike gave me a good pep talk and reminded me of all of my progress.
I woke up Saturday morning felling better than I had in several days, and when I saw the sun shining, I made my "to do list" for the day. By 9:00 am, I was out mowing, and in the late morning, I walked 7 miles with a friend. I kept my protein intake high, drank lots of water throughout the day, and drank coffee that night while sitting outside at a bar listening to some great music with Mike.
Sunday, another great sun shiny day! I got my walk in early, then we headed out to the Royals game with some friends for a truly Perfect Afternoon! I drank water all day.
Monday, I had planned to get my walk in at 5:30 am, since I had to accompany my mom to the Dr. at 8:30 am, which required leaving my house at 7:45 am. I woke up again to rain. I went back to sleep for an hour. After Egg Whites and coffee, I finally left my house to fight rush hour for 45 minutes. Then, I waited several minutes in the lobby of the Doctors office before receiving a phone call from my mother, letting me know that she had told me the wrong Doctors office. I went to the correct office only to find out, the doctor, nor any of the staff, had arrived yet. It was well past 8:30 am!!! When the doctor and staff DID arrive, we were finally seen by the doctor at 9:45 am for our 8:30 am appointment. Ask me if my chest was feeling tight now. Yip. I practiced deep breathing, and when I got into my car, I decided it was time to call my therapist, who I have not seen in MONTHS!! Maybe even over a year and a half?? I started seeing her after my panic attacks and she really helped me. I didn't see her very often, but when I did, I always felt better, and I promised myself that if I ever got to feeling exactly the way I am feeling now, and things seem to be getting the best of me, that I would go see her. I felt better just making the appointment. I've learned to never be to proud to ask for help.
I then went to a coffee shop where I had planned to spend no more than two hours writing a blog post, then working on the New blog. I hadn't yet decided how much to share on my blog about the past week (I don't know why I thought I wouldn't just "Tell All", I usually do!), so I decided to work on the new blog first. For over an hour, I simply could NOT find on my computer where my new Blog even was!!!! I closed my computer and stomped out of the coffee shop, with tightness in my chest, and drove to the grocery store for my salad bar lunch. On my drive, it hit me where I needed to go on my computer to find my New Blog!!! I then came home, found my New Blog, then feeling a bit of relief, I took a two hour nap, which only put me in a bad mood! I am NOT a good napper, and my nap did not leave me feeling rested, but only frustrated with myself for not getting anything done! Then I never did write a blog post!
I eventually walked 5 miles and again, had a chat with myself!
I decided I absolutely had to blog today because my blog really helps me stay focused. Getting my "Story" off my chest somehow helps me move forward. I know I have said that before about blogging or journaling. Blogging helps me to focus on my daily meals, my exercise, and it's now a part of my morning routine. I will have a lot going on over the next few weeks with my mom and I know I will feel powerless to my schedule, so I will HAVE to make the necessary changes to my own routine to MAKE my meal planning, my exercise and my blogging happen. I can NOT allow myself to make food choices out of convenience. I need to plan for the unexpected and have high protein snacks and meals ready to go. I need to realize that my day may have to start earlier than usual, and that each day may not go as expected.
I'm sorry to be so vague about my mom. She has had some health issues that we are addressing and it is taking some time, but nothing life threatening, just stressful for her, and apparently for me too.
I didn't take food pictures these last few days, but I did get a few fun photos!!
Sunday we had an awesome time rooting the Royals to victory over the Red Sox!
We took a walk with our friends around the entire stadium while I drank TWO of these!!
Yesterday, the guy at the coffee shop presented me with the most beautiful Latte I have ever seen!!
Ready to make it a GREAT day!!
Tomorrow I will be back at telling you everything I put in my mouth, along with pictures, what exercise I did, and how many points I ate!
"love the life you live, live the life you love"